Sunday, April 28, 2013

Happy-Heartbreak.

This will not be an easy post for me to Write, I have honestly been debating this post on and off for the last Two weeks. Yup, Two.

I'm going to most likely get a little emotional. But this needs to be shared.


I keep trying to gather my thoughts. Im Anxious, Im restless and Im just plain stressed out.
Money and Bills run through my head. Getting used to the huge change in our Life. Our Son.

Some days I couldn't leave the couch. I left the house a mess and well stayed in my P.J's. As sad as it sounds, There were days I just couldn't pull myself to even take a simple shower while J was napping.

We left the Hospital and moved straight into our rental home. The Men of the house then went back to work after a nice break from the Holidays. Myself? I was at home with our 2 dogs and our New baby.

After a few weeks of trying to get a routine down, figure out how to make sure I don't abandon myself while just focusing on our new baby.. I slowly slipped. I had unpacked and organized our Multi-Level home. Made Doctors appointments and organized bills while trying to get J adjusted to the world. I spent many moments while Breast feeding, browsing What to expect and EDF . I had no idea what I was doing, I had a new life in my hands.

Even though I had this big blue eyed life changer.. I started to feel alone.
I looked at myself in the Mirror and felt disgusted.
I didn't want pictures taken of me because I didnt feel beautiful.
I wanted to sleep, But I couldn't, Nightmares consumed my head.
was J breathing? Is he too Hot too Cold?
I was jealous of my son, People only came around to see him.

By the time my 6 week Doctors visit came around, I had noticed that I wasn't myself.
Was I just stir crazy from staying inside all the time  during the cold Winter.
-No. However, that def didnt help.

I talked to my doctor, about how I was feeling.

I'm suffering from Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.
What? No one told me this could happen, and I never thought it would happen to me!
We discussed medication or other treatments.
I chose not to take any medication for this, due to the fact that I do not feel that Im going to harm my child or myself.

I haven't spoken about this to really anyone except my Doctor and my Husband. And sadly,  I felt like I could handle it without talking to my Husband about it.
I did some research to learn more, and figure out if there was anything I could do to help myself without getting on medication.

I've personally struggled, and there are some days that I think things are changing. Maybe I'm getting better.. But with the next day, you just don't know.

When I went to Texas to surround myself with my amazing Family, I still had a hard time.
I was angry at my husband and I wasn't even around him for 3 weeks. I returned home from Texas and I was still so angry, and Upset. I didn't know why, but anything little would start to stress me out. I needed control of situations or my Anxiety started to rise. -Breathe-
I had a hard time Grocery shopping. People coming up to me to see J and "oh he's so cute"  I really tried to just say thank you and move on, but inside I was screaming at them! "Just leave us alone!"

The night I finally decided it was time to tell my Husband what was going on, Was the night I got so upset over J spitting up and Adam having to get up and walk away because he couldn't take the smell.
 It really wasn't a big deal, but I felt helpless and so angry.  I felt ashamed for the way I acted.
 After getting J ready for bed and my teeth brushed, I laid down next to my Husband. He didn't understand why I was so upset. He was apologetic for something that he had no control over.
I started crying, and told him everything.

The next day I searched for support groups, articles and any kind of home remade to help.
I started searching on Pinterest , Thats when I had a few friends notice my pins. They reached out to me and we shared stories of our depression, our Anxious times and just anything that was stressful.

I'm still having a very hard time with all of this, But I'm trying to stay strong and take it one day at a time..Not just for myself but for my Family.

If you are suffering from Postpartum Depression and/or Anxiety  or Baby Blues, Please speak to your Doctor about it. Talk to your Family.  I guarantee you are NOT alone. If you would like to talk to me about anything or need to know some info about support groups I'm happy to help!


I am very Thankful for everyone in my Life, and I am Thankful for everyone's support.

-Nicole




*I am not a Doctor, nor have I ever been any kind of Doctor. I am here for advice ONLY, not medical attention. If you feel like you are going to harm yourself or others Please contact the appropriate Help line or medical care. Thank You.*

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The beginning, of a very big adventure!


  Well, Hello there! Did you miss me?

I have taken a bit of a break from work and my blog as well, Why? Because I FINALLY popped!

Yep, 5 am December 31st (my Husbands Birthday) I woke him up.
He had taken sleeping pills that night and we didn't get to sleep until around 1 am!
you can only imagine how sleepy he was!
I called my Mom bright and early and of course we called the Hospital.
Adam made sure to get the snow off the car and load anything we needed, while I changed my clothes and talked to my mom a bit on the phone. Why wasn't I freaking out like they did in movies?
Honestly, My water broke..slowly. And the Hospital was a little over 30 miles away. I wasn't in any pain, so I figured I was ok.
I will admit that that was the LONGEST drive to town I have ever been on! HA!

We got to the hospital and set up in our fancy Hospital room (no joke, this Hospital is NICE!) 
Adam was able to take a nap while we waited, and waited..  
contractions and stronger ones coming along.. WHOA buddy, I tried to make it through.. 
I ended up getting the epidural and before we knew it, It was time to start pushing.
I wont lie, I had eaten at 11pm the night before and it was only some Ice Cream (crazy dairy cravings!)
I was SO hungry, which was causing me to get light headed and weak. But I pulled through with the help and support of my wonderful Husband, and after a few times of getting sick and being put on oxygen We finally met our Baby Boy! 
I heard that cry of his and started crying myself, my Husband had started crying too!

1640(4:40pm) our Son was Finally here! Yep, a Short 12 Hours of Labor! 
He was alert, and wide eyed! 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM, It's a BOY! 

When we finally received the weight and length I was surprised! Its no secret that I had a BIG pregnant belly! Joseph was just over 6lbs and 20 inches long! Skinny little legs and a skinny little body. 


-3 Months Later-

 We are learning new things every day, figuring out what cries mean and laughing when we get pee'd on. Juggling our work schedules so we don't need to find a baby sitter or daycare (he is too little for day care) Mother Hood is a completely different life and even if you think you are ready, you never really are! We have been so blessed that Joseph is growing strong and is very Healthy! I suppose that means were doing alright as parents.



My favorite part is when Joseph wakes up in the mornings, even on the nights he doesn't sleep too well. As soon as I Look at him with my groggy eyes and say "Kiddo, we need more sleep!" he lets our a BIG smile and a ton of wiggles. I have never felt so full in my heart. 


Josephs 3 month Doctors visit was wonderful, He flirts with the nurse now! Laughed for the doctor, Showed him how he rolls over and even was ALMOST sitting up! Our Doctor was very impressed with how he is growing and developing ( he's about a month ahead of his age)! Next month, our little man starts on Baby foods! WHAT!?! oh gosh.
And Moms, let me tell you. Watching your little one getting shots.. Everyone told me that It was hard on the Mother, I thought "yeah right"  Oh no, I almost cried just watching his face in pain! But he pulled through and got some much needed rest!


I have a whole new look on life now, It's not just about myself and my Husband. We are thinking and acting for our little guy.  We moved into a House right out of the Hospital.we've lost sleep, and for a while there I was forgetting to eat and take care of myself!
My advice to any new mother, Don't push yourself for the first 3 months. You just created LIFE! Don't make yourself feel guilty for having a messy house, focus on just ONE goal every day.. Even if that goal is to just enjoy a hot shower while your Little one sleeps.

Even Super Woman needs a day of rest!

You're Welcome.

-Nicole